Dream life (for now)

When I’m older and have my own place (always temporary because I want to live everywhere before I’m totally okay with the idea of settling)

• dog (preferably a wolf-dog hybrid, Doberman, German Shepherd, St. Bernard, Siberian Husky, or Pitbull)
• Christmas lights / Christmas tree lit up in a dark room
• not a second to waste
• piano / keyboard on the floor
• no car
• tulips
• window seat in my bedroom
• the myth of Icarus and his wax wings
• “everywhere is walking distance if you have the time”

Used to be

Accurate depiction of my situation right now. It’s comforting and sad at the same time to know that I’m not the only one feeling like this. I still cry over the smallest things. Doesn’t even have to be directly related to him. I have my weak moments. I fake watching Korean dramas sometimes. So when someone comes inside the room, they’ll assume I’m crying over a kdrama even though I’m not. Haven’t worn mascara (yes, I know there is such a thing as waterproof mascara but I don’t like it) ever since summer because of the crying (wherever, whenever, whatever I’m doing) and it’ll be messy and I’m a mess. I know I should control myself but when the tears start, it’s hard to stop. Because along with those tears are emotions. And I don’t even want to start with the emotions now. I don’t know. I’ll stop here, I guess.

Don't mail it back

I’m going to take your pain and my pain and put it in a huge envelope and send it back to the people who gave it to us.

Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

I'm going to love you with my life, future boy. I don't know who you are or when you're coming my way but oh, I'm going to love you with my life, I will. No rush, though, okay?

Don't bother to reserve a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay

The email I got from this morning was ridiculous. You’re ridiculous. Yeah, what happened to everything? You’ve given me false hope. You’re giving me false hope and lots of it. Well, you know what? I’m not taking any of that crap. You can’t put me on standby. This is better for us? No, this is good for me and bad for you. You’ll see. What the hell! I don’t want to deal with you anymore. Get out of my head. “if someone wants to be in your life, they’d make an effort to be in it so don’t bother to reserve a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.” This is true, people. Don’t even bother. Don’t put up with anyone who throws everything out the door and you’re left there trying, trying, trying. That’s not acceptable. Get on with your life. Let it all happen. Walk this Earth like it’s yours. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off no matter what happens. Life’s still beautiful. It is. It’s there, it’s waiting.

Late / Early

It's 5:12 am and I'm still not in bed sleeping, dreaming. Past midnight is when my mind runs 1000 miles a minute. I have so many thoughts going through my head and no one to tell them to. I'm a very quiet person. I tend to keep feelings and opinions to myself but right now, I feel like I can keep rambling on and on. Are there extraterrestrial forces out there? When we look up at the night sky, do you ever wonder if someone else (maybe even a group of beings) is looking at us? The universe is ever so expanding. We humans can't be the only ones here. There has to be life out there. I refuse to believe there is no one else out there. It's so mind-boggling. This. Everything. What about all the people who live alone? Why are they alone? I know some prefer it that way. Or maybe they've just given up and accepted that they won't find anybody else to hold them at night, tell stories to. I live by myself on weekdays and I would be fooling myself if I say I like it. I thought I would but at the end of the day, you just want to be able to share even one small speck of your day with someone. There has to be a someone for every single person that walks this earth. After I'm finally done with my educational goals, I'd like to live somewhere new. I'm just terrified to be alone, that's all. If that's how it turns out, though, then I'll get by. I think.

About

I am Laine, born 1989. I go to school here for now and I live ~30 miles away from Los Angeles for now. I love deeply and I daydream frequently and definitely more than I ought to. I enjoy writing personal mail and responding to non-school related emails. In person, I'm quite shy and awkward. I am working on being more assertive, though.

I like a myriad of things including the night time sky, summer nights, airplanes, love stories, pens, journaling, moleskines, winter, San Francisco, the snail mail/postal service system, future plans, planning future trips, strangers, nostalgia, Christmas, and more.

Here is my email: 9teen8t9@gmail.com